Exactly!

[Mambo Pumpkin]

Holy crap. I am in negotiations right now for my first real piece of commissioned (ka-ching) artwork. Part of me hopes that the deal falls through, just so I'll stop having these dumbnumb stomach-dropping episodes...

Recap of the past few months: I am awesome at part time jobs that suck ass. The superiority complex works in my favor, yet again! I'm starting to suspect everyone around me of mental disorders. Of course, I came from a mentally and verbally abusive post-divorce household, my boyfriend's mother is a barely-functioning alcoholic, and my grandparents, whom I'm living with now, are in their 80's. So, it's not really a surprising perspective, just one that sort of crept up on me. Like syphilis. And now I feel like I'm living in a hole, with the faint light of sanity filtering in so dimly that I just want to shut it out completely. In the past few weeks I've fallen ill with... Something... I haven't been able to run or do any sort of endurance activity. At all. After near 2 years straight of running, I just can't anymore. My heart races, I feel sick to my stomach, I get cold sweats and start getting dizzy motion hallucinations. It's just not right. At least I have DDR... I've been stretching more and using the extra hour or two a day to do things I haven't gotten around to in a while. Like checking craigslist. Thank you, mystery sickness!

Full circle. It's raining. I have fleas. Maybe also, the Black Death. It's all interconnected.

I am also no longer a girlfriend. No, we're not separated, and I haven't really upgraded. It's more of a downgrade to therapist and emotional dumping ground. I need some friends again. No one wants to keep in contact with me besides that soul sucking manic depression-hole because my cellphone doesn't work up here... Rant is over. I feel like a loser, but I swear I'm not!

[Mambo Pumpkin]

Scratch that. I am a loser. And poor. And will never ever work as a real, paid painter. My rates are out of his price range. Apparently my skills are not worth a grand to cover basically an ENTIRE WALL'S WORTH OF PORTRAITURE. Just to let everyone know, if you can't afford to spend upwards of $1500, don't expect to commission an individualized 3'x5' portrait with any artist besides a schizophrenic one. And the dude IS from Carnegie Mellon. Cheap bastard...

[Mambo Pumpkin]

I'm waking up. I am going into therapy, going back to University, and dumping Preston. He may not yell and call me fat, but he did basically propose over Yahoo IM. No, wait, he asked me if I would say yes if he had proposed. I told him I thought it'd be best to wait until we were in a more stable position. And directly in the middle of discussing it on the phone later, he launched into a rant about his old job. Yea, I'm definitely done with this sort of shit. I feel extremely guilty about the whole thing, and terrible because I think he's crying himself to sleep right now, if he even is sleeping at all. It would seem like an easy decision for most outside observers, but I'm really anxious and muddled right now. At least I've already scheduled the psychologist's appointment, gotten my applications and financial aid information in, and started in on scholarship applications. This is going to be a tough weekend...

When I came to the realization that I'd actually go through with it, the only thing I could think of was something he used to tell his friends and me all of the time: "we are the only two people in the world who can stand each other." I realize, now, that I was the only one who could stand him. I can't victimize myself, because I did decide to stay with him, despite the signs and counsel of others to the contrary. Regardless of the unhealthy codependency, I do want him to be happy eventually. That is why I am doing this.

[Mambo Pumpkin]

Going through all of this, I see that I really have no friends. Anywhere. My best friends right now are total strangers. I hate myself. I will never have a functioning relationship with anyone, on any level. I don't now, and can't see how that will ever change.

[Maestra Washu]

*HUGS*

[Mambo Pumpkin]

It's done. It's done and over with, and I can't stop shaking or crying, or stop the bad thoughts from ping ponging around in my brain. I hate myself so much. He never saw it coming. What the hell is wrong with me? How could I just break up with him over nothing, no big fights, nothing? I really hope that he makes it home alive. What the fuck is wrong with me? How could I just abandon him like that?! I think I'm going away for a while. This me is just too fucking cold and cruel and wretched. He's probably right. It's probably the biggest mistake of my life. My life is nothing outside of the best friend I'd found in him. God. Kill me.

[Mambo Pumpkin]

I have the distinct feeling that I shouldn't be aware of my own organs. I am going to a clinic tomorrow, to see if they know how to deal with the mass in my upper right abdomen that's been causing me alternate pain, discomfort, and a just plain grossed out feeling for the past four days.

I don't want to be trapped in a hospital. Or have surgery.

I was just starting to turn things around...

[The_Evil_Tomato]

[quote="Mambo Pumpkin"]Going through all of this, I see that I really have no friends. Anywhere. My best friends right now are total strangers. I hate myself. I will never have a functioning relationship with anyone, on any level. I don't now, and can't see how that will ever change.[/quote]
This isn't a good belief to have inside you. Consciously change it every time it comes up in your head. Anytime anybody wrongs you, just remember they're looking for happiness too.

You still around these parts much? I need another wild chatbox conversation

[The Evil Tomato]

[quote]I will never have a functioning relationship with anyone, on any level. I don't now, and can't see how that will ever change.[/quote]
You still around these parts much? I need another wild chatbox conversation

That isn't a good belief to have inside you. Consciously change it every time it comes up in your head. Don't feed on it, reject it. Anytime anybody wrongs you, just remember they're looking for happiness too.

I have learned very many dirty bar jokes over the years...rawr

[Mambo Pumpkin]

Hey, what's this? I'm not dead? Just incredibly busy with being back in school and all? Whoa, no way.

Yea, I guess it's fitting that I haven't been back to this blog thingy since last year. I started prepping to go back to school in November, and have not stopped moving since. I keep having this fuzzy feeling of not knowing where I am...

Anyway, I have some pictures and stuff. Y'know, to prove I haven't been just sitting around eating Pringles like SOME people...

Also, I try to update the stuff on DeviantArt pretty often, under the "brand name" Izzen. That's really the name of my sticker organization, but I figure I own it, I can do what I want with it.

And thanks, Tomatizzle. I've been reprogramming my brain and now my journal looks like actual writing, not psycho-circles...

[Mambo Pumpkin]

Oh, also, this weekend. About this weekend. I was in NYC and decided to go to the KRAZY! art exhibition at the Japan Society. My teacher actually suggested it to me, along with the Aline Crumb exhibition, which I missed . Anyway, I met a nice black guy with a lazy eye from the Boston area, and got to sit around watching anime all afternoon. Paprika and Mind Games seem really fucking awesome... And, take that, Photography Majors!

Due to the NYC trip, I also missed the deadline for reserving student studio space for next year, which is OK because I'm used to sneaking into the Foundations Art Building after hours and using empty classrooms anyway. What I'm not so used to, yet, is drawing for 15 god damn hours. Going into it, at 1PM Tuesday, it already had about 15 hours worth of work on it (the car took the longest out of basically everything) that had been spaced out over the past two weeks. Coming out of it, 4:30AM Wednesday, I was having hallucinations. Still have not recovered...


*paper is 22 x 30" of sweet sweet cotton rag. EVERYTHING on it is in Watercolor Pencil. Or not done yet. Also, why do I smell colored pencils everywhere I go?

[Mambo Pumpkin]

So... Mambo is going to be a live-in nanny for the University Chancellor's family... Or is she?

It all started two weeks ago with a few days of babysitting. The pay was comparatively nice ($15/hr before taxes vs. no set previous wage for family friends), and I felt comfortable with the kids, parents, and the arrangements --aside from having to sleep on P's couch to catch a ride over. Then it increased to 5 days/week of babysitting, picking up kids from school and day care with the house cars, and attending soccer practice and school functions with the kids. Their youngest is 2 years old and was the main focus of most of the babysitting, the others are 6 and 8. All little tomboy girls... I love it! They have boxes upon boxes of matchbox cars and are just really capable individuals. Anyway, back to my thing.

So, the question was asked (multiple times) last week if I could move in and act as an Au Pair for the children. The summer would be a trial run, potentially extending until I finish school (3 years). BUT, I still am unsure. I'm set to move in on Tuesday, but the pay rate they've offered me is WAY low. I've been working, on average, approximately 20 hrs/wk for them, and the family's initial offer was... drumroll please... $50/wk! Now, even with room and board included, that barely pays for outside bills and expenses, like, at all. I suck at negotiating on the fly, so I barely managed to haggle up to $70/wk ($3.50/hr for 20 hr/wk), but I'm obviously still not satisfied...

I'm not sure what to do, either. There are a lot of conveniences to the job: the house is on-campus in a good location, I wouldn't have to pay for University housing with student loans, would be living with basically all of the amenities of an apartment with free laundry, there are really good networking opportunities and I don't doubt it'd look nice on the resume, and it's something that I'm experienced in and like doing. The only cons are money and possible loss of freedoms. So...

Ugh. I'm not even sure I can renegotiate now. I totally was not prepared for that first informal "discussion"... BLAH!

[Mambo Pumpkin]

Yesterday, at approximately 9:20 AM, the front end of Preston's amazing ink blue Passat was crushed like so many aluminum cans. At about 10:00, I arrived at Cooley Dickinson hospital. My left knee was banged up. The cherry on top: I got to ride along in the ambulance with the dumb bitch who ran the stop sign, causing the injury, because she had a panic attack at the scene.

I guess some people can't handle the realization that they are idiots.

Nothing is broken, maimed, or concussed. That is all.

[Mambo Pumpkin]

I have arthritis! In my painting hand! Fuck. Now I really am going to be stuck with these shit jobs forever...

Or no job, as is the case, because I was fired in September. Apparently a friend of the Chancellor's wife really wanted to babysit instead. Which is WAY more important than my own gainful and fulfilling employment. Not that I really gained anything lasting from it. Just enough to cover one bill for 3 months out of the remaining 6. No savings. No spending. Hooray.

God I hate my life right now.

Somewhere in the back of my brain, these thoughts are scaring me. Chilling, this feeling of total tranquility I get when thinking of "life alternatives". As in, alternatives to living.

I have a 4 page paper to write, citing essays from a book that I couldn't afford to buy this semester, due Monday. Which is a pointless task anyway, since I got a C+ on the midterm-- a horrible failure in my book, especially for an exam I thought I'd aced. I obviously don't know what I'm doing and am incapable of succeeding in the class.

I also remain friendless at school. This is partially my choice, as I would usually prefer to paint, draw, and relax alone, but it's still pretty lonely. I mean, by probability alone I should have found someone whom I can stand to be around who isn't totally indifferent to me.

The one person I thought I could truly befriend... Wanted to have sex with me. I guess this is a typical problem with male "friends". I indulged the fantasy and fed my ego by letting him sleep over, without actually screwing the kid. I told him that we could only get together once threesome arrangements had been made with Preston. What a disappointment.

I told Preston about the mild incident, after which I was called a fucking dirty whore-slut, cunt, et cetera, et cetera and generally snubbed or attacked for around two weeks. This was sometime in September-October. The bile-spewing eventually subsided, but not without significant damage to my "lust for life". Which is still an open wound festering under the band-aid of "everything's ok now, honey. I'm not mad anymore," since he is right, and I was wrong, and I must pay for all other wrongs that had been enacted against him (His ex had an ongoing affair before just plain leaving him. About 6 or 7 years ago. And he swears he's totally over it). And after seeing that side of him, I don't know what I want from this anymore.

Maybe there really is no purpose to any of what's happening to me anymore.

I am overwhelmed with all of the things I can't do, and unimpressed by what I can.

My mother's husband told me, over 2 years ago, when I was living in their basement, working a full-time job, going to school, and taking care of my sisters for them pro bono, that this would be the best time of my life. To stop being so ungrateful. So contrary. Despite hating him for his disgusting conformity, I guess I listened. And what I heard was "life's going to suck, so you might as well get used to getting raped by it." Good advice, Gary. I'll be sure to dedicate it all to you. Asshole.

[Maestra Washu]

Oh honey.

I'm afraid there's nothing I can do or say that will be able to make you feel any better, except to offer e-hugs and say that I'm so sorry life is shitting on you right now.

[Mambo Pumpkin]

Hey, thanks. It's nice to know there are still compassionate people out there. You're always the first one there on this board when somebody needs you!

I guess I'm pretty good at recalibrating myself after these little outbursts, though. In the process of writing that, I gained a sense of perspective unknown in origin, and I've been better than OK since. I think I came to realize that life has been shitting on me for more than a decade, and that I can handle it in certain ways that keep me truly happy, no matter what. That, and it's more fun to be crazy in the long run.

But you can't bounce back without touching bottom.